Today is September 17th.... the day you were due. I know that lots of time has passed and no one else realizes that today was supposed to be your birthday. I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten you. I wish that you were here and not in heaven. You would have loved your family. Claudia and William were so excited about you. They couldn't wait to see you and share their toys with you. William liked to rub my tummy and tell me that he could feel you. I'm so sorry that you are not with us today. Happy Birthday Little Baby. God Bless You!!
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Let me preface all this rambling with the fact that this post is not in any particular order and it may not make sense. But I needed to put my thoughts down because I didn't want to forget what had happened in the last several months.
First, let me start with my dream. I had a dream the night of January 1st. The dream was about me holding a small infant. I was leaking milk... a lot of it. I don't remember much else about the dream. I didn't see the baby's face, just a head full of blond hair. Also, the baby was wrapped in a hospital blanket. I never read much into my dreams, at least the majority of the time... and this one didn't mean a whole lot to me either. Although, I was curious as to why I was leaking milk.
Anyway, I had this dream and didn't think much about it until the following day. Brian's dad came over to help Brian install that utility sink that I wanted so badly. They were busy working in the basement and I was upstairs putting clothes away in William's room. I bent down to pick up something.... toys, clothes, I don't remember, and became dizzy. Dizzy enough that I stopped what I was doing. That's when I remembered the dream I had the night before.
Let me add that my cycles are very irregular. The fact that we have two children is a slight miracle. I found out I was pregnant with William a few days after I had left my doctor's office with a prescription for Clomid.... I never had to take the drug. I just got lucky! The same happened with Claudia. We tried once, I was nursing, my cycles were still irregular... and no meds again!
We have always wanted more children, but it's hard the timing was never quite right. Two little ones who are 13+ months apart is a lot of work. Then William had his prolonged seizure and was on medication for a year. It was a stressful year... not the best time to be adding to the chaos.
So the time was finally right, but it is hard to reproduce when you have two little ones in the house. No further explanation needed there......... Sooo... we got lucky again..... a miracle.
Back to the dizzy spell.... I immediately thought of the dream and checked the calendar, saw that it was day 28 of my cycle (which pretty much meant nothing, but I checked anyway). Brian, his dad, and the kids had left for the hardware store. I found a pregnancy test in the bathroom. I did the test incorrectly because I am impulsive and didn't read the directions. You're probably wondering, "how can you potty on a stick incorrectly?" Well, I decided to potty in a cup, not directly on the stick. I held the stick in the cup for 5 seconds, not the recommended 20 seconds. It looked like a negative sign came up on the stick, but then after a few minutes a faint positive line appeared. Faint, as in questionable. It was then I decided to actually read the directions. That's when I found out I had not held the stick in the cup for the correct amount of time and that it would have been better to have tested first thing in the morning (I knew this part, but I didn't want to wait for the next morning to test).
The clan came back from the store and I whispered to Brian that I thought I might be pregnant and showed him the stick. The positive line was definitely darker, but I still had my doubts.
Instead of making a trip to the drugstore that afternoon, I decided to wait until later that evening. So after dinner out, we stopped by the drugstore to pick up another test. We purchased the box with 2 tests.... just in case I messed up again. We went home, I ran for the bathroom. I know I should have waited for the following morning, but why wait? To make things easier to read, we bought the digital tests that actually displayed the word(s) "pregnant / not pregnant".
Would you believe it actually read "pregnant"?! I couldn't believe it... Brian either!
The following morning. I used the second test and once again (this time very quickly) it read "pregnant" again.
I don't remember much after this... I tried to make an appointment with my midwife, but she was in Aruba for two weeks. I did go in to have my blood work done and then went back to the office on January 26th. All seemed to be fine. I left with a huge bag of pregnancy information and samples of prenatal vitamins (which I was already taking). We scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday, January 29th to determine an exact due date.
I went in on that Thursday for the ultrasound. The tech was as personable as a rock... but I won't vent about that now. I saw our little baby on the screen, heart beating.... I knew at that moment that I loved that little baby with all my heart. Seeing that image on the screen made the pregnancy so real for me! Brian, however, didn't go into the room with me during the ultrasound because he was watching the kids in the waiting room. The tech offered to have a staff member watch the children so that Brian could see the baby but I declined. I regret this now. I would give anything to reverse the decision I made at that time.
The tech told me that the due date was September 17th, the day after Claudia's 4th birthday. I was exactly 7 weeks at the time. I don't usually argue with technology, but I didn't think that was quite right... I know the only day we tried... which meant Brian's sperm must have VERY long shelf life!
We decided not to tell the kids right away. We waited to tell them the week of February 8th. We brought them into the front room (aka "the parlor"), sat them down and told them that Mommy had a baby in her tummy. They were so excited and full of questions. Claudia said she would not share her crib...of course, she hadn't slept in the crib for a long time, but still insisted it could not be used unless it was painted pink or blue. Claudia also insisted that the baby be named "Claudia" (isn't one enough?!?), then later changed the name to "Sally". William was excited and wanted to name the baby Zachariah after his buddy at preschool.
We eventually told our family members about the baby. Claudia told Mimi and Papa over the phone. It took a few seconds for, "Mommy has a baby in her tummy" to register with Mimi!
Everything seemed to be going well until Tuesday, February 17th. I started spotting that morning. I immediately paged Brian at work and called the doctor's office. Then I called Gayle and she came over to help with the kids.
While on the phone with the doctor's office, the midwife's nurse told me to relax (as if that was going to happen) and drink water. If the bleeding got heavier or I started cramping to call the office.
Brian called the house, left his meeting and came home because I was hysterical. After Brian came home, he called the doctor's office and asked if we could come in for an ultrasound. They checked the schedule and told us to come in in an hour. The office is 45 minutes away. As we were getting ready to leave for the office, William was brushing his teeth and said, "Mommy, I hope you feel better". He saw me crying when Brian came home. I had tried to stay calm, but lost it when Brian walked in the door. Poor William. I probably scared the daylights out of him.
We made our way to the office, me drinking my water for the ultrasound. I was shaking and attempting to make small talk with Brian on the way to the office. I told him that Gayle said she had spotted before and all turned out fine.... I was praying for the same outcome for myself.
We arrived at the office, I checked in and sat down.... surrounded by pregnant women. The receptionist left the sliding glass partition open after checking me in. I saw the ultrasound tech come in and heard my name, "Susan Knoll... I don't know why she's here... Go check with Connie (the nurse)." I wanted to stand up and yell, "I can hear you. I'm sitting right here waiting to find out if we're going to lose our baby!"
The tech finally came to the door and introduced herself. If she had taken a second to look at my chart, she would have seen that she had done my ultrasound a few weeks ago.... "Hello, you were the one to show me my baby, the heart beating and gave me a due date," I thought. She brought us back, told me to hike down my pants to mid thigh and plopped the gel on my abdomen. She brought up my uterus on the screen, paused and told me that I needed to empty my bladder because she needed to do a trans vaginal . I quickly hiked up my pants, scurried to the bathroom and emptied my bladder while praying the whole time that everything was okay. I returned to the room, she told me to undress from the waist down... as she left the room for me to undress, I questioned Brian, "Did you see anything on the screen.... Did you see the baby... did you see the heart beating..." I did have a look at the screen, saw my uterus, saw the baby and saw that nothing was moving.
When she came back in, she turned the screen so that we couldn't see anything, explained that she had to do all the same things she did the first time around... measure everything, check my ovaries, etc. The midwife didn't come in, the nurse did not come in. The tech didn't volunteer any information. I assumed the worst. When all was over, she escorted us to the next room and told us that the midwife would be in to talk to us. We knew.
The first to come in the room was the nurse, Connie, with a long face. All I could say was, "She wouldn't let us see the screen." We waited forever for the midwife to come in the room. After she came in, she told us that our baby had stopped growing right after the last ultrasound... not much more than seven weeks. She gave me my options..... D&C, medication to move things along, or to wait and miscarry naturally. I heard what she was saying, but never listened.
All I was concerned about was finding the baby after it passed regardless of it's small size. I didn't want the baby scraped out of me and taken to a lab for testing. I was scared that we would never find our baby if I miscarried naturally and it would be flushed. That's when the midwife told me there could be a chance that I would find it. If I did, the Catholic hospital would cremate the baby for me and it would be buried at the Catholic cemetery in Crown Point. She told me to think about my three choices and get back to her the following day. Connie drew blood and we left with a handful of tissues which I still have in my coat pocket. We made it to the car and I sobbed. I know the statistics involved with miscarriage, I am aware that most of my family and friends have experienced the same loss, but I was still in shock. Surely this could not be happening to us. Why did God choose us?
We didn't know what to do, but knew that driving home and facing the kids was not really an option, so we drove a few minutes away to Brian's parents' house. Thank God his dad was home and his mom arrived home shortly after.
After leaving their house, we went home. As soon as we walked in the door William asked how the visit to the doctor was. I hesitated and then told the kids that our baby had died and went to heaven to be with God and Grandpa. Claudia gasped, but I knew she didn't really understand. Claudia asked when there would be another baby. William looked puzzled. I could tell he was trying to make sense out of what I had just old him. He did ask if the baby was still in my tummy. When I told him yes, he wanted to know how it would come out. I avoided that question because I didn't know how to answer him.
That was Tuesday. I asked Brian to stay home the following day. I chose to miscarry naturally, not really understanding what entirely was involved, but I was determined to avoid medication and surgery (at all costs). I didn't know what to do with myself so I cleaned the house. I wandered around looking for things to do, straightened things, put toys away.... waiting for cramps. I waited and waited. The midwife told me that since I had already started bleeding, that she didn't think I would have to wait very long.
Not very long turned out to be Friday afternoon, late afternoon. Brian and I took William to school that afternoon, dropped Claudia off at my mom's and ran errands. We went to the pet store for dog food, went to Target and also went to Marshall's to return a pair of gym shoes that didn't fit William. After Brian returned from picking up the kids, I started bleeding heavily (or at least what I thought was heavy). I ended up sitting in the bathroom for two hours. There was no point in leaving because as soon as I did so, I had to return. Things got worse and we called Brian's parents and asked them to take the kids out for supper.
Mimi, Papa and the kids returned after 7:00 pm. By that time, I had already called the midwife on call (not mine) who informed me I should probably be at the ER because I most likely needed the D&C. I didn't like what she had to say so Brian called my friend at home to get my midwife's home phone number.
The midwife informed me that if I was able to say that I didn't want to go to the hospital, I was probably going to be okay. She had originally told me that if I was soaking through a pad an hour, I should be concerned. I was soaking through a pad every 10 minutes and passing blood clots the size of my fist. She also reminded me that if I was able to find the fetus to bring it in to the office.
I continued to pass blood and large clots until 3:00 am. During the course of the evening, I laid down in bed several times only to wake up several minutes later to a gush of blood and the odd feeling of clots and tissue leaving my body. Once I sneezed and found that I soaked through two old towels and an old blanket.
Thank God for Brian. Every time I went to the bathroom and wiped, I came up with a handful of clots.... all of which he put into a container to scan for a baby. Some of you may think we are crazy, but like I said, I was determined not to flush our baby down the toilet.
The sad thing is that we never did find the baby. The midwife told us that we might not find the baby. It could have been in one of the clots. It may not be recognizable. It might stay in my body and be reabsorbed.
I am still bothered by the fact that we never did find the baby. There is nothing tangible to grieve. All I had was an ultrasound picture, a few pregnancy tests and used tissues from the office. Nothing to hold. No footprints, no hand prints, no lock of hair.
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Today is Friday, February 27. Over a week since we originally learned of our loss. The kids are still confused. They haven't said much, but both have been acting out, arguing with each other and crying a lot. William has been busy picking up toys in his room and attempting to make his bed. He then brings me upstairs, tells me to close my eyes, and then shows me the "surprise". Claudia sets up her kitchen, and pretends to feed me her special "recipes". She then asks me if I feel better.
I guess the same goes for Brian and me. We're still confused and angry. We have not been very good about disguising our anger and grief from the kids. During one of our heated arguments about me not wanting to return phone calls, we found William hiding under the sheets in his bed. It's hard to hide the stress we are feeling.
Through all of this, I am thankful that we have family close by to help out with the kids and to offer their support and prayers. I didn't not understand what my family and friends were going through at the time of their losses, but I now know that the amount a grief a person feels is not based on the size of the casket. I know God has put this experience in our lives for a reason. What that reason may be, I am not sure of yet. I hope that Brian and I can grow from this experience and have the confidence to reach out to others in their time of need.
Once again, thank you to every one who has been finding time to pray for our healing. It means the world to us!!
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Well, it's now been a month since we lost the baby. People keep asking me how I'm doing. I tell everyone I'm fine.... the nurse, the midwife, my family and friends. Most days I think I'm fine, but then for some reason tears begin uncontrollably flowing. I can be at the grocery store staring at the selection of tuna and start tearing up. It makes it difficult to go anywhere because I don't have the ability to control my emotions.
My doctor's office called on Friday to let me know the results of my latest blood draw. My hcg level was 7.5. I need to be down to 5 before I can stop with the blood work. I was at 7.5! Isn't that close enough? Apparently not, I need to return in 1-3 weeks to repeat the lab work. This made me cry again.... not actually cry for fear the kids would see me, but tears ran down my face. While I had the midwife on the phone, I questioned her about it being 3 weeks since the miscarriage (heavy bleeding) and I am still bleeding. Her response was that it was normal and would probably stop soon since my numbers were so low. She also asked if it was still heavy enough that I had to use pads. When I responded with "yes", she said that I should be glad that it was not summer and wearing white. I didn't find her comment amusing.
That last several weeks have been rough. I don't have a lot of patience with he kids. Brian works all the time and we rarely see him. I have told Brian that I would like to use my sick / vacation days, but apparently they are not in my "stay at home mom" contract. So now I am thinking about turning in my resignation. Brian laughed, but I'm serious. I think everybody has days when they want to call it quits. Right now, I'm tired of constantly cleaning up after everyone, tired of doing the never-ending laundry, tired of chauffeuring the kids around and tired of cooking for a family that doesn't appreciate my efforts. I just want a few days to sleep without being disturbed, read a book and sit in the warm sun. I don't think that's a whole lot to ask... but it turns out that it is, especially when medical bills are piling up (thanks to the high deductible plan), the house needs to be painted, the gutters replaced and preschool paid for.
I don't really have a good way to end this post, but I do have one last ultrasound picture of the baby. Brian called the office to see if we could have a photo from February 17th. They were able to retrieve a few for me. The doctor said the baby stopped developing since the first ultrasound at 7 weeks, but I can see a difference. My uterus looks larger, as well as the baby. I never asked them if they could pinpoint a date the baby left us, but I think I would like to know. Here's our picture.
God bless.
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