To My Neighbors....

Dear Neighbors,

Hmm.... Where to start...

You're a Buttmunch!

Since you brought it to my attention that you do not like my dogs and their barking, I believe that it is my turn to let you know what really irks me.

First, there's your teen son. He's an idiot. He is not perfect as you like to believe. The underage drinking parties (yes, there has been more than one) are getting annoying. Cops shining flood lights in my windows in the middle of the night is not cool. And running from the cops from his own home.... not too smart. Lucky for him that you have enough pull in our town to keep his name out of the paper. I bet the other parents weren't too happy when they read their kids' names in the Police Blotter minus your son's.

Also, he drives like Helen Keller ON CRACK. That "special" finger our neighbor gave him for almost crashing into his car on the corner is nothing compared to what I like to do to him. He floors the car every time he pulls out of the driveway, never looking for walkers, pets or other cars. He only turns onto the street at high speed and on two wheels. Perhaps it's time for a repeat driver's education class?!

That little landscaping business he's running is just peachy. He must be making enough money to buy all that beer for his buddies. But, that trailer he parks on the street.... It's an eyesore. Can't you store it with your other numerous cars?

Then there's your daughter. She is very popular. Did you know that when you go out of town, she likes to host sleepovers? Yup, as in overnight guests of the opposite sex. Funny... just when I start to recognize one guest groggily walking to his car in the morning, a new one shows up the next day. She definitely gives new meaning to community service.

Lastly, your home is ugly. I am not impressed that you have completely remodled, added on and put in $500,000 of marble. It's still ugly. You're landscaping sucks too. Ground cover on the parkway? Really? Did you think it would actually grow? And because of your addition, you chose to give up your backyard. It's not my fault that Snoopy's barking is amplified by your large brick driveway and the L-shape of your home. Bad call on your part. Brick does not absorb sound and the L-shape traps noise. Duh.

In regard to my dogs, yes, they do bark. They're dogs. They're terriers. It happens. Although it is generous of you to offer to purchase shock collars for my pets, it is not necessary. The older dog was abused by her previous owner. Shocking her for barking is equivalent to kicking her. Perhaps every time she barks, you can run across the street and kick her. It'll save you some money.

And I am so relieved that you stated that you are not irritated by my children, even though they make more noise than the dogs. I was afraid that you would offer to buy shock collars for them too.

Your comment about people walking down our street to visit with our dogs "because everyone thinks they are so cute" is true. People like our dogs. Our dogs only bark at people they don't like. Hmmm....

So... screw you neighbor. Your threats don't scare me. I don't care that you are one of our town's elite, that you are a member of every committee and board in town and I don't care how many generations of your family has lived here. You still suck and your threats are falling on deaf ears. My dogs will continue to bark. They will go outside. They won't be shocked for doing what dogs do. And that case of wine I sarcastically offered to send you to "take the edge off", you're certainly not getting it!

Your Neighbor