I Have A Potty Mouth

Being a parent of young children and a former educator, I know a lot of children's' songs. I often sing to the kids at home. We sing all the familiar songs such as "Old MacDonald", "Twinkle, Twinkle" and "Mary Had a Little Lamb. Occasionally, I loose control of my mouth, and mutter a few inappropriate songs. Really pisses (pun intended) Brian off butt (punn intended again) he can't stop me. After all, spending a full day with two little ones, EVERY DAY can sometimes cause my mouth to leak! (get it, LEAK, LOL)!!!!

I'm sure you know which songs I'm talking about:

"Do Your **** Hang Low?"
"I Have a Skeeter On My Peeter"

Then there is my all time favorite- "The Diarrhea Song",
"When your sliding into first....".

Well, I couldn't remember all the lyrics. It was driving me nuts so I decided to do a little research. Yes, I GOOGLED "The Diarrhea Song". I got a butt load of results too! Did you know "The Diarrhea Song" has it's own website? I signed up for the fan club. Just kidding.

Here are my results:

The Essential Structure of The Diarrhea Song—Broken Up By Elements

1. A scene-setting preposition, usually just one word will do. Classically, this has taken the form of “When”.

2. The first free-form part of The Song, this should further develop a sense of place, time, urgency, activity or any other useful stage on-which Diarrhea could plausibly occur. The only true requirement for this element is that it rhyme with element #4, below.

3. Insert the mandatory conjunction AND. There are very few hard rules in creation of The Diarrhea Song, the use of and in the middle is a tradition, and as such, an exception to the rule. Please use it.

4. The second free-form part of The Song, this is the punch line. It is here that it will be revealed how one knows that it is, in fact Diarrhea, and not something else. In other words, describe the result of the Diarrhea (i.e.. “You feel something burst”). Keep in mind that this should rhyme with element #2.

5. Add the famous ending that truly identifies your work as part of the long legacy of The Diarrhea Song: "Diarrhea, Diarrhea". If you are a traditionalist, you may prefer the more automata-poetic, "Diarrhea, Plop, Plop, Diarrhea". Both variations are correct, according to the linguistics department.

TIP: When finished, read through it several times, recite it in your head and consider alterate wording if the meter of the verse or affect of the joke are not top caliber. There is a certain cadence that cannot be taught and is reflected in only the finest variations of The Diarrhea Song.
(taken from the Diarrhead Song website)

For those of you who are straining to know, here are the lyrics:

If you're driving in a Chevy and you feel something heavy Diarrhea. PBFF! PBFF! Diarrhea.
If you're sitting on the grass and a spider bites your ***
If you're walking down the hall and you feel something fall
If you're walking up a ladder and you hear something splatter
When you're sliding into first and feel something burst
While you're waiting in a line, there's an explosion from behind
If you feel something slimy and it's coming from your hiney
If there's a stench in the air coming from your underwear
If you are walking through a shop and you hear something plop
If you are handing over cash and you hear a splash
If you're getting out of bed and it's comin' down your leg
If you're walking down the aisle and it comes out in a pile
If you're on top of a mountain and you see a big fountain
If you're sliding into third and you feel a juicy turd
Some people think it's really gross, but it's really good on toast Diarrhea.
When you're at Pizza Hut and something comes out your butt
When you're sitting in class and something wiggles out your ***
When your walking down the road and your nappy overflows
You were sitting in the park and you flooded Noah's ark Diarrhea.
When your sitting on the loo and you have a sloppy poo
What you ate last night, you thought was mar mite Diarrhea.
When your feeling slightly queasy and it comes out like a cheesy
If you lay down for a nap and woke up with a crap
It's really really smelly and it mixes well with jelly
You've put some in your pocket and your bum becomes a rocket
Diarrhea. PBFF! PBFF! Diarrhea. PBFF! PBFF!